Dealing with toxic parents is an issue that isn’t talked about enough in Islam. We shall discuss how to deal with unfair parents in Islam. If you have a look at most cultures throughout the world, you’ll notice that most of them hold a place of importance and respect for parents. This is more prevalent is Islam.
Sometimes we cannot ignore the fact that parents can act unfairly as well. The decisions or actions that a parent takes may be detrimental or unfair for a child, according to Islam.
How to deal with angry parents in Islam? How to deal with toxic parents in Islam? When do I know that parenting is turning out to be toxic in Islam?
Your parents, from their side, might think that they are providing you with their best. However, there still exists a possibility that they make certain decisions to serve their own purpose. It might also be the case that they have a toxic personality and spread this toxicity to you and your siblings.
What are some cases of toxic behavior shown by parents?
- Showing passive aggressiveness
- Forcing their children into studying a degree
- Being verbally & physically abusive towards the children
- Being manipulative towards their children for their own good
- To not give their child’s sufficient room to develop on their own
- Restricting their children’s normal interaction for no reason
The aforementioned behavior is unfortunately very widespread among Muslim households. This can cause children not to open up to their parents to foster a friendly relationship.
What does ‘fair’ mean according to Islam?
According to Islam, the meaning of the word ‘fair’ is to provide equal treatment and show a sympathetic attitude towards your children. You can provide your children with gifts. Also, appreciating their actions can also go a long way.
Allah SWT mentions in the holy Quran
|إِنَّ اللَّهَ يَأْمُرُكُمْ أَن تُؤَدُّوا الْأَمَانَاتِ إِلَىٰ أَهْلِهَا وَإِذَا حَكَمْتُم بَيْنَ النَّاسِ أَن تَحْكُمُوا بِالْعَدْلِ إِنَّ اللَّهَ نِعِمَّا يَعِظُكُم بِهِ إِنَّ اللَّهَ كَانَ سَمِيعًا بَصِيرً|
“Indeed, Allah commands you to render trusts to whom they are due and when you judge between people to judge with justice. Excellent is that which Allah instructs you. Indeed, Allah is ever Hearing and Seeing.”
Sūrah-l-Nisā; Verse 4:58
7 things parents should do to while raising Children in Islam
- Being ‘balanced’ toward children
1. Being ‘balanced’ toward children
Parents should always remain ‘fair’ towards all their children. It is vital that they provide equal attention towards them. If they remain balanced, then there won’t be any jealousy amongst the children.
Allah SWT mentions in the holy Quran –
|“O mankind, what has deceived you concerning your Lord, the Generous, who created you, proportioned you, and balanced you?”|
Surah Al Infitar; Verse 82:6-7
2. Allah SWT instructs all believers to be good to them at all times
Allah SWT mentions in one verse in the holy Quran that as Muslims, parents should remain fair. By being fair means, they should all strive to do good. In fact, doing good is a responsibility that all Muslims must follow.
Allah SWT mentions in the holy Quran –
|إِنَّ اللَّهَ يَأْمُرُ بِالْعَدْلِ وَالْإِحْسَانِ وَإِيتَاءِ ذِي الْقُرْبَىٰ وَيَنْهَىٰ عَنِ الْفَحْشَاءِ وَالْمُنكَرِ وَالْبَغْيِ يَعِظُكُمْ لَعَلَّكُمْ تَذَكَّرُون|
Indeed, Allah commands justice and the good, and giving (to) the relatives, and forbids [from] the immorality and the bad and the oppression. He admonishes you so that you may take heed.
Surah An Nahl; Verse 90
3. Allah SWT instructs all believers to be fair towards everyone
Allah SWT mentions in another verse within the holy Quran, where he tells all Muslims to be fair towards their children or any other human being, to make sure that there isn’t any bitterness.
|يَا أَيُّهَا الَّذِينَ آمَنُوا كُونُوا قَوَّامِينَ لِلَّهِ شُهَدَاءَ بِالْقِسْطِ ۖ وَلَا يَجْرِمَنَّكُمْ شَنَآنُ قَوْمٍ عَلَىٰ أَلَّا تَعْدِلُوا ۚ اعْدِلُوا هُوَ أَقْرَبُ لِلتَّقْوَىٰ ۖ وَاتَّقُوا اللَّهَ ۚ إِنَّ اللَّهَ خَبِيرٌ بِمَا تَعْمَلُونَ|
O you who believe, stand up as witnesses for God in all fairness, and do not let the hatred of a people deviate you from justice. Be just: This is closest to piety; and beware of God. Surely God is aware of all you do.
Surah Al-Ma’idah; Verse 8
4. Allah SWT adores his believers who are unbiased towards their children
Allah SWT adores those parents who remain fair towards their children. This should give parents more reason to be unbiased towards your children. We urge you to also have a look at some of the Qur’anic verses about love
|“Indeed, Allah loves those who act fairly.”|
Surah Al Mumtahinah; Verse 8
5. Do not be unfair towards your children as it can cause a fight
Islam has advised many times for parents to remain fair towards their children. If you being a parent is unjust towards your child, then this may cause dispute and hatred amongst your children.
Prophet Muhammad SAW (PBUH) has advised us 3 times for us to be fair towards our children, in the hadith below.
|“Be just between your children. Be just between your children.”|
Sunan Abī Dāwūd; Sahih (authentic) as per Al-Albani
6. Parents should be open to having a discussion with the children
Parents may not always be open to having a discussion with their children and they never enjoy being challenged. However, in order to make things clear, it is vital that you are open to having a respectful conversation with your children. This way, you can explain things to the kids from their point of view.
Children nowadays and parents have a significant generational gap, thus, this may influence the conversation. Parents’ stubbornness may cause their children to assume things are getting toxic. It is important that, as a parent; you think things through and possess the capacity of having a conversation with your children.
As your children comes of age, you should also teach them the etiquettes of Islamic marriage.
7. Be understanding and show kindness towards your children
Kindness and understanding is a two-way bridge. If parents are kind towards the children and understand them, then children would do the same as their parents grow old. Being kind and understanding are signs of a good parent.
It has been mentioned in the hadith below.
|وَوَصَّيْنَا الْإِنسَانَ بِوَالِدَيْهِ حَمَلَتْهُ أُمُّهُ وَهْنًا عَلَىٰ وَهْنٍ وَفِصَالُهُ فِي عَامَيْنِ أَنِ اشْكُرْ لِي وَلِوَالِدَيْكَ إِلَيَّ الْمَصِير|
And We have enjoined (upon) man for his parents – carried him his mother (in) weakness upon weakness, and his weaning (is) in two years that Be grateful to Me and to your parents; towards Me (is) the destination.
Surah Luqman; Verse 14
In a nutshell, as parents, they have to take a lot of responsibilities. This may inevitably cause things to become quite complex. However; you should always keep in mind, being born as Muslims, you should always strive to fortify the ties of kinship. It is a test from Allah SWT for you to deal with unfair parents in Islam. This is a test for which you need to seek the almighty’s help to pass.