Dealing with toxic parents is an issue that isn’t talked about enough in Islam. We shall discuss how to deal with unfair parents in Islam. If you have a look at most cultures throughout the world, you’ll notice that most of them hold a place of importance and respect for parents. This is more prevalent is Islam.
Sometimes we cannot ignore the fact that parents can act unfairly as well. The decisions or actions that a parent takes may be detrimental or unfair for a child, according to Islam.
How to deal with angry parents in Islam? How to deal with toxic parents in Islam? When do I know that parenting is turning out to be toxic in Islam?
Your parents, from their side, might think that they are providing you with their best. However, there still exists a possibility that they make certain decisions to serve their own purpose. It might also be the case that they have a toxic personality and spread this toxicity to you and your siblings.
What are some cases of toxic behavior shown by parents?
- Showing passive aggressiveness
- Forcing their children into studying a degree
- Being verbally & physically abusive towards the children
- Being manipulative towards their children for their own good
- To not give their child’s sufficient room to develop on their own
- Restricting their children’s normal interaction for no reason
The aforementioned behavior is unfortunately very widespread among Muslim households. This can cause children not to open up to their parents to foster a friendly relationship.
What does ‘fair’ mean according to Islam?
According to Islam, the meaning of the word ‘fair’ is to provide equal treatment and show a sympathetic attitude towards your children. You can provide your children with gifts. Also, appreciating their actions can also go a long way.
Allah SWT mentions in the holy Quran
| إِنَّ اللَّهَ يَأْمُرُكُمْ أَن تُؤَدُّوا الْأَمَانَاتِ إِلَىٰ أَهْلِهَا وَإِذَا حَكَمْتُم بَيْنَ النَّاسِ أَن تَحْكُمُوا بِالْعَدْلِ إِنَّ اللَّهَ نِعِمَّا يَعِظُكُم بِهِ إِنَّ اللَّهَ كَانَ سَمِيعًا بَصِيرً “Indeed, Allah commands you to render trusts to whom they are due and when you judge between people to judge with justice. Excellent is that which Allah instructs you. Indeed, Allah is ever Hearing and Seeing.” Sūrah-l-Nisā; Verse 4:58 |
How to Work on Your Toxic Parents
You can try following 8 practical suggestions to deal with your abusive parents.
1. Read from Adab/Manner Related Books
If you hold a family halaqa in your house where both or any of your parents stays present, you can introduce books and chapters that talk about manners.
The thing with most abusive parents is that they lack knowledge of manners when it comes to discipline their children. This is the main reason for the conflict.
You just cannot lecture them or tell them what is right or what is wrong, because they are unlikely to listen to your speech. Rather introduce them with books of Islamic Scholars that mention this particular issue.
2. Show Them the Way by Acting Upon It
Again, no matter how motivating a speech you give, your parents won’t listen to you. This is pretty common for all families. The only way to deal with parents is to show them the right way.
When they will notice that you are literally acting upon what you expect from them, they will get the clear picture, and try to change them at their best.
3. Make Dua for Them
Obviously, you will try to change their toxic understandings and concepts from ground reality, do not forget to make dua for them. Ask Allah SWT to open their hearts to accept the truth and allow them to act beyond their ego for a greater good.
4. Seek Professional Counselor
Sometimes we need professional help. A family counselor or a psychiatrist deals with such issues on a regular basis. They know what works under particular circumstances.
5. Talk to Your Local Imam to Deliver a Khutbah on Rights of Children
It happens a lot that you tell your parents to do or maintain a certain thing, but they do not. And if the local Imam talks about it coincidently, they take it more seriously.
Abusive and toxic parents issue is pretty common in our community due to a huge generation and technological gap. If you talk to your local mosque Imam about this matter, he will be unlikely to not listen to you. He knows it is pretty common these days.
If the Imam delivers a khutbah on Friday regarding this matter, it will have a great impact on your parents. Even if you do not get the results instantly, the Imam’s speech would change their way of thinking at least. You can work on the rest following other suggestions of this section.
6. Do Not Get Angry Whatsoever and Try to Understand Their Psychology
It is pretty common to freak out when our parents do or say things that go against our views as well as religious point of view (due to their ignorance).
Let me make it very clear, our job is to do whatever fits the circumstance in the best way possible with wisdom.
Yeah, you might get angry, but do not express your anger no matter what. When you do so, it violates two core things – from Islamic point of view, you are not supposed to express anger, if you do so, it will make things worse.
Try to walk in their shoes, and judge the circumstance from their point of view. Yeah, they might be wrong, but it is due to their ignorance and arrogance. But as you are well-aware of it and have Islamic knowledge on it, you should not do anything that will further fuel their toxic behavior.
7. Deal with Them with Patience
Your parents will not change all of a sudden, so do not expect it to be. This can take a few weeks, months, even years to slowly remove the abusive and toxic mentality from them. Patience is the key if you are determined to work on them.
8. Have Someone to Step in
More or less every parent has someone he/she trusts and has some acceptabilities. It can be any of your aunts or uncles. Talk to them about this matter, and let them talk to your parents.
But, be careful with whom you share your family problems with. Like toxic parents, some of our relatives are toxic too. Make sure you choose someone who is really concerned about the goodness of your family and you.
7 things parents should do to while raising Children in Islam
1. Being ‘balanced’ toward children
Parents should always remain ‘fair’ towards all their children. It is vital that they provide equal attention towards them. If they remain balanced, then there won’t be any jealousy amongst the children.
Allah SWT mentions in the holy Quran –
| “O mankind, what has deceived you concerning your Lord, the Generous, who created you, proportioned you, and balanced you?” Surah Al Infitar; Verse 82:6-7 |
2. Allah SWT instructs all believers to be good to them at all times
Allah SWT mentions in one verse in the holy Quran that as Muslims, parents should remain fair. By being fair means, they should all strive to do good. In fact, doing good is a responsibility that all Muslims must follow.
Allah SWT mentions in the holy Quran –
| إِنَّ اللَّهَ يَأْمُرُ بِالْعَدْلِ وَالْإِحْسَانِ وَإِيتَاءِ ذِي الْقُرْبَىٰ وَيَنْهَىٰ عَنِ الْفَحْشَاءِ وَالْمُنكَرِ وَالْبَغْيِ يَعِظُكُمْ لَعَلَّكُمْ تَذَكَّرُون Indeed, Allah commands justice and the good, and giving (to) the relatives, and forbids [from] the immorality and the bad and the oppression. He admonishes you so that you may take heed. Surah An Nahl; Verse 90 |
3. Allah SWT instructs all believers to be fair towards everyone
Allah SWT mentions in another verse within the holy Quran, where he tells all Muslims to be fair towards their children or any other human being, to make sure that there isn’t any bitterness.
| يَا أَيُّهَا الَّذِينَ آمَنُوا كُونُوا قَوَّامِينَ لِلَّهِ شُهَدَاءَ بِالْقِسْطِ ۖ وَلَا يَجْرِمَنَّكُمْ شَنَآنُ قَوْمٍ عَلَىٰ أَلَّا تَعْدِلُوا ۚ اعْدِلُوا هُوَ أَقْرَبُ لِلتَّقْوَىٰ ۖ وَاتَّقُوا اللَّهَ ۚ إِنَّ اللَّهَ خَبِيرٌ بِمَا تَعْمَلُونَ O you who believe, stand up as witnesses for God in all fairness, and do not let the hatred of a people deviate you from justice. Be just: This is closest to piety; and beware of God. Surely God is aware of all you do. Surah Al-Ma’idah; Verse 8 |
4. Allah SWT adores his believers who are unbiased towards their children
Allah SWT adores those parents who remain fair towards their children. This should give parents more reason to be unbiased towards your children. We urge you to also have a look at some of the Qur’anic verses about love
| “Indeed, Allah loves those who act fairly.” Surah Al Mumtahinah; Verse 8 |
5. Do not be unfair towards your children as it can cause a fight
Islam has advised many times for parents to remain fair towards their children. If you being a parent is unjust towards your child, then this may cause dispute and hatred amongst your children.
Prophet Muhammad SAW (PBUH) has advised us 3 times for us to be fair towards our children, in the hadith below.
| “Be just between your children. Be just between your children.” Sunan Abī Dāwūd; Sahih (authentic) as per Al-Albani |
6. Parents should be open to having a discussion with the children
Parents may not always be open to having a discussion with their children and they never enjoy being challenged. However, in order to make things clear, it is vital that you are open to having a respectful conversation with your children. This way, you can explain things to the kids from their point of view.
Children nowadays and parents have a significant generational gap, thus, this may influence the conversation. Parents’ stubbornness may cause their children to assume things are getting toxic. It is important that, as a parent; you think things through and possess the capacity of having a conversation with your children.
As your children comes of age, you should also teach them the etiquettes of Islamic marriage.
7. Be understanding and show kindness towards your children
Kindness and understanding is a two-way bridge. If parents are kind towards the children and understand them, then children would do the same as their parents grow old. Being kind and understanding are signs of a good parent.
It has been mentioned in the hadith below.
| وَوَصَّيْنَا الْإِنسَانَ بِوَالِدَيْهِ حَمَلَتْهُ أُمُّهُ وَهْنًا عَلَىٰ وَهْنٍ وَفِصَالُهُ فِي عَامَيْنِ أَنِ اشْكُرْ لِي وَلِوَالِدَيْكَ إِلَيَّ الْمَصِير And We have enjoined (upon) man for his parents – carried him his mother (in) weakness upon weakness, and his weaning (is) in two years that Be grateful to Me and to your parents; towards Me (is) the destination. Surah Luqman; Verse 14 |
Conclusion
In a nutshell, as parents, they have to take a lot of responsibilities. This may inevitably cause things to become quite complex. However; you should always keep in mind, being born as Muslims, you should always strive to fortify the ties of kinship. It is a test from Allah SWT for you to deal with unfair parents in Islam. This is a test for which you need to seek the almighty’s help to pass.
I have a toxic family, both my parents. I just got married and had the blessings from both our parents which i am grateful for. Ramadhan just started in my country and i wished it had been better for me.
One day my mom actually texted me after iftar asking what i wanted to eat for iftar the next day and i replied i am not sure. She asked me to buy iftar but i mentioned that i won’t have enough time as both me and my husband are going to be rushing home from work. She then proceeds to ask what do i want her to cook and i responded “its ok, me and my husband will eat outside today” she then replied “what about me?” and i said “u can cook at home for urself, its ok u don’t have to worry about us (me and my husband)”.
I guess from the way i replied her she was upset and proceeds to tell my dad who is passive aggressive and scolded me just because I did not agree to having iftar together with my mother.
I felt betrayed as a daughter as I trusted my mother and i always kept things within myself about what she told me not to tell off to my dad.
It felt like as though i am an useless daughter towards my family and did not thought of my parents. It hurts being in my position as I have always willing to share and listen to their advices.
I want to ask that how should I treat with my mother. I am the elder ones in my siblings Ihave been doing my job and giving my whole salary to my mother. But on the time of my marriage she didn’t perform any kind of rasam but all the rasams were performed on my brother’s marriage. I feel very upset and hurt most of the time. What I have to do ??? Please please guide me.
Dear Sister,
Assalamu alaykum, for your answer.
In this World, parents (especially our mothers) deserve the highest form of .obedience and kindness. We are asked to not even utter “Uff” to them, as Allah said:
{ ۞وَقَضَىٰ رَبُّكَ أَلَّا تَعۡبُدُوٓاْ إِلَّآ إِيَّاهُ وَبِٱلۡوَٰلِدَيۡنِ إِحۡسَٰنًاۚ إِمَّا يَبۡلُغَنَّ عِندَكَ ٱلۡكِبَرَ أَحَدُهُمَآ أَوۡ كِلَاهُمَا فَلَا تَقُل لَّهُمَآ أُفّٖ وَلَا تَنۡهَرۡهُمَا وَقُل لَّهُمَا قَوۡلٗا كَرِيمٗا }
[Surah Al-Isrâ’: 23]
“And your Lord has decreed that you not worship except Him, and to parents, good treatment. Whether one or both of them reach old age [while] with you, say not to them [so much as], “uff,” and do not repel them but speak to them a noble word.”
The greatest of transgression anyone can do against someone else is forcing him / her to commit shirk. Even if your mother were to do this, Allah asked you to not listen to her but still live with her in this world with kindness [Surah Luqman: 14-15].
In your situation, Islam demands the groom to spend on the ceremony of wedding and asks groom to pay dowry (Mahr) to the bride. Unfortunately, our society has tainted the Islamic tradition and made it mandatory for women to also throw party and ceremony during wedding which was Islamic responsibility of the groom only. Besides, some culture even demands the bride to pay dowry to the groom, which is haram by all definition and guidelines of Shari’ah.
We advise you to not hold any hard feelings or resentment on your mother. If she did not do much formalities during your wedding and it caused you social inconvenience, then for your patience with your mother, Allah will replace this inconvenience with much ease in this life and in sha Allah in the hereafter as well.
Hopefully someone see this and help me out because like this is issue has been so detrimental to me in so many ways, I was born Muslim alhamdullh, but I havnt always been the best Muslim, im a 21 year old femal and I’ve always had problems with my mother. She has always been so aggressive and toxic with me for as long as I can remember, I’ve always been called the most horrific things, she always brings me down and tells me how much of a shame I am to her because of my past and the things i did growing up, I’m not going to ever deny it but I wasn’t a very good daughter, I wasn’t a good Muslim nor even a good person. I get cussed out everyday, she tells me she wish I was never born and nothing good ever came from me and that I brought shame on her and the whole family, she always wanna tell me how much of a bad mother I am and that my daughter deserves better. She also tells me that she hates me and she gets on every single thing I do weather it’s good a bad, even the smallest things and she also do that infront of everyone and her husband which really embarrasses me. This caused me to be very depressed, i feel nothing but guilt and regret and disgust of myself. I cry everyday, I never really knew my worth and still don’t I truly hate myself. Sometimes I talk back to her but it’s only when Im literally having a mental break down, I’ve lost 100 ponds and Im filled with hate, I have no self control anymore, I feel like nothing matters anymore. I will never be nothing, most of the things she say is right but she always seem to wanna bring me down and never built me up, I know she hates me I can feel it, the way she look at me makes me wanna kill myself because I know I will never make her pround of me, I havnt heard her say I love you to me for as long as I can Remember. What should I do
I TOTALLY UNDERSTAND my sister, I TOO HAVE A TOXIC MOTHER, I CAN FROM A DYSFUNCTIONAL TOXIC FAMILY AND EVERYDAY THERE IS SOMEOME ARGUING AND CRYING. My mom hates me so much, she doesn’t know what right for her, she has no destination goals. She is black and white. She is very aggressive and sensitive. She can get angry and call me call me names in front of my young sister. She care only about herself, she thinks only about negativity and tahy everything around her is bad. This is lacking empathy and she is self centred. If something bad happens according to her she starts saying things about my dad that left her cuz of her personality. I love her but unfortunately I don’t get emotional and psychological support from her. She is manipulative. She uses guilt and humiliation to get what she wants. She is not understanding and she never take responsibility or criticism. She is always in complete denial. She ask me for help for her studies but tells she doesn’t want help. She always wanna know where I go even tho I’m 20. I have depression. I am overweight and my hair is falling. I am always in my room when I come from school. I stopped meeting my friends and stopped playing sport that I love. I lack emotional support. I have anxiety, fear everytime. I seek love from strangers. I live with my mom and sister. For the past 5 years we had financial difficulties and instability in our home. And that psychologically affected my mental health cuz mom always sees me as partner instead of her son. She always blame for what my father did. She is always overthinking things that don’t matter. I am sick and tired of this. It’s only me even my young sister is affected by this. I always help even though it’s hard for me cuz if I say no she will automatically make me feel bad. She will say: you never ever helped me even ones, and Allah is always the best in help. Always using the religion as a scapegoat. She threatens me with the religion. It’s honestly so bad. I don’t have any body to talk to. If I go to the psychologist am scared the child services would harm her and my sister. I don’t have I trust. I can’t talk to anyone. And everytime I talk to a religious person they say be: the quran be respectful and kind to your parents. And I know that. But my mental health is melting like ice cube. Parents should be fair with children. My Allah (swt) make it easy for us and other Muslims who are suffering from. I’m sure this is a rest from Allah (swt). I hope you are well. Try your best to have boundaries and stick to that. Love yourself. Care for yourself first. I would recommend you to live with yourself for year or half a year at least.
Every parent must face Allah for his child’s activities. If the child is good, the parents will be respected by Allah SWT; if the child is bad, the responsibility will be on them. So it is natural for them to be angry with you because they can’t trust you. But you have no chance to denye them and the reason Islam has not allowed it.
In point of your view, your parents may be practicing Muslims. So do the things which they like, do it regularly. Praying five times a day, studying the Qur’an regularly, obeying Halal and Haram, not telling lies, following Allah and the Messenger of Allah, etc., are qualities we consider good Muslims.
Please maintain at least five times prayers regularly. And you will feel well, and your parents will receive you as a good child.
May Allah accept you as a good child to your parents.
thanks to my parents, I tend to cry everyday. they made me feel different than my sibling especially my sisters, I can write a book of how many times i’ve felt unloved by them to even simply not being called to the dinner/lunch table when they all together. these type of action grew hatred in my heart towards my sisters. I believe Allah is the fairest and I treat my parents good despite how am I treated by them, I ask Allah everyday to leave my family and grant me better family in the future.
Same story sister here ,my sister so much cruel she taunt all time even she is younger this because since childhood she knows she can do anything in this house , spend as money as she wants she knows everything is her here .and since childhood my mother always ignores me always taunt me and make my father to beat me m recent 25 and she made my father to beat me still for no reason ..mi don’t like shout m feel so unsafe here like anyone can do anything ..I always thought to attempt suicide because of my mom .they r worst parents I can bet this really.my mother’s parents don’t like my mother ,no one actually cll her to talk ,no one actually like her .she feel so Powerful .she use to live in so pride and always treat me as m her compititor .she tries always to destroy my life now by last 2 year I started standing for self right ..still they just pass infront of me by taunting all time ..
I feel the best solution is just work hard and get financial independent and get out of here .and pray and have peace in heart .and also I really don’t trust her tht if she ever do anything good for me so I even not trust her for anything .
May Allah make you independent so that you may be free from this toxic environment.Yes you do get spoilt brat younger siblings.But stand your ground.You are elder than her..she needs to respect you.Teach her to size up to her boot size.Tell her to act her age and to go clean her room( if you know what I mean).As for your mom..may Allah guide her and us.This sort of behaviour makes one loose respect for them.
My mother is not meticulously toxic….but she always ridicules me for the way i look…like…my features and my body are made by allah.. then idk y she makes me feel ugly by saying that i don’t have good features to look like a girl…look at me at ur age…how pretty i was….being ugly is not my mistake right..i dont know y she doesn’t understand that….im 21 now and i have 5 more years to complete my education… she is always ridiculing my getting married late ….she even says that i won’t get a nice groom bcoz i will b old and my skin will have wrinkles by the time i will get married…..so i will get married only to an old man who is 40+ ….she highly doesn’t have the belief that everything is planned my allah…im tired of hearing all these…and its affecting my mental health as well😔 pls make dua for me
my mother has always been dearest to me but after many setbacks in life i came to realize, she badmouthed me behind my back to relatives etc destroying my image, she caused my 2 marraiges to fail by using fowl language with my in laws and they in return didnt believe me and took hatred for my mother out on me, servants lied to her about some mistakes they did and falsely blamed me to escape and she still believes those accusations, she says i should be thankful she is my mom , a maid tore her dress and put blame on me she believes it, she always taunts me about my 2 marraiges…im middleaged now, my father died, marraiges failed, now she lives with me…i do my best to be kind but all the setbacks and pressure of kids and single mother makes me burst out verbally sometimes and her replies are so hurtful and full of lies…this is the only mother i have…and allah says his love is of 70000 mothers…today i cried and seriously asked allah which kind of mother’s love do you have for us? this is the only mother i have seen all my life and she did nothing but use me and hurt me…
I’m so so sorry for what you’re going through insh Allah you will find peace and justice in your life I’m gonna pray for you
I am the eldest and was always the breadwinner and even gave my life up for my sister who was born 20years later than my younger brother today i lost my job as i resigned before Covid to take a position as a facilitator but then they made the job redundant due to the impact it had on them due to Covid now my parents are 74 and 79 I still try to bring in an income but no one wants to employ me at the age of 57 due to my high standard of qualifications now the wheel is turned my other siblings just speak to me the way they want and have now learnt that my parents went to offer the house to my sister and i just get treated unjustly and my parents are even rude towards me they so toxic my father will speak to his son in law as if thats is his son and i am just an outcast and i hear him speaking bad about me but I just pray for them as they my parents I am taking punches left right and centre and i dont want anything I will rather live on the streets after my parents close their eyes but i dont have the heart to leave them despite the situation being so toxic at home t
Thank you for writing this article. Recently, my mother and sister fought with me and tried to make false allegations of abuse in regards to me as a mother to my son. They wrote false testimonies and grouped with my ex-husband all to try and take my son away from me out of vengeance for divorcing and trying to become more independent. When the case was dismissed in court, my ex-husband apologized to me; however, my mother and sister are still scheming where they are trying to find ways to separate me from my son. Is it acceptable that I distance myself from my mother since she is trying to harm me and my son?
Afcourse you keep your distance and have a peaceful life.
Your mental health is far more important then being confronted by your family.
Your son is in the middle of this unbearable situation.
You should protect him mentally too.
Don’t think about people it could form you as a person to do evil things back to them.
You will find peace by staying far away from them.
Im so sorry this happened to you. If you take care of your child well and is concerned about his wellbeing, than others cant take him away from you. Yes you are right to distance from anyone who try to harm the both of you.
How is it not? They want to snitch away your son from you. You should run far far away! That sounds so dangerous.
It’s healing my heart! Islam can not be unfair to anyone! Hope muslim parents understand their responsibilities! May Allah paak gives hedayaat to all parents.
Nice article.thanks