Dealing with toxic parents is an issue that isn’t talked about enough in Islam. We shall discuss how to deal with unfair parents in Islam. If you have a look at most cultures throughout the world, you’ll notice that most of them hold a place of importance and respect for parents. This is more prevalent in Islam.
Sometimes we cannot ignore the fact that parents can act unfairly as well. The decisions or actions that a parent takes may be detrimental or unfair to a child, according to Islam.
How to deal with angry parents in Islam? How to deal with toxic parents in Islam? When do I know that parenting is turning out to be toxic in Islam?
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Your parents, from their side, might think that they are providing you with their best. However, there still exists a possibility that they make certain decisions to serve their own purpose. It might also be the case that they have a toxic personality and spread this toxicity to you and your siblings.
What are some cases of toxic behavior shown by parents?
- Showing passive aggressiveness
- Forcing their children into studying for a degree
- Being verbally & physically abusive towards the children
- Being manipulative towards their children for their own good
- To not give their children sufficient room to develop on their own
- Restricting their children’s normal interaction for no reason
The aforementioned behavior is unfortunately very widespread among Muslim households. This can cause children not to open up to their parents to foster a friendly relationship.
What does ‘fair’ mean according to Islam?
According to Islam, the word ‘fair’ means to provide equal treatment and show a sympathetic attitude towards your children. You can provide your children with gifts. Also, appreciating their actions can also go a long way.
Allah SWT is mentioned in the Holy Quran
إِنَّ اللَّهَ يَأْمُرُكُمْ أَن تُؤَدُّوا الْأَمَانَاتِ إِلَىٰ أَهْلِهَا وَإِذَا حَكَمْتُم بَيْنَ النَّاسِ أَن تَحْكُمُوا بِالْعَدْلِ إِنَّ اللَّهَ نِعِمَّا يَعِظُكُم بِهِ إِنَّ اللَّهَ كَانَ سَمِيعًا بَصِيرً
“Indeed, Allah commands you to render trusts to whom they are due and when you judge between people to judge with justice. Excellent is that which Allah instructs you. Indeed, Allah is ever Hearing and Seeing.”
Sūrah-l-Nisā; Verse 4:58
How to Work on Your Toxic Parents?
You can try following 8 practical suggestions to deal with your abusive parents.
1. Read from Adab/Manner Related Books
If you hold a family halaqa in your house where both or any of your parents stay present, you can introduce books and chapters that talk about manners.
The thing with most abusive parents is that they lack knowledge of manners when it comes to disciplining their children. This is the main reason for the conflict.
You just cannot lecture them or tell them what is right or what is wrong, because they are unlikely to listen to your speech. Rather introduce them with books of Islamic Scholars that mention this particular issue.
2. Show Them the Way by Acting Upon It
Again, no matter how motivating a speech you give, your parents won’t listen to you. This is pretty common for all families. The only way to deal with parents is to show them the right way.
When they will notice that you are literally acting upon what you expect from them, they will get the clear picture, and try to change them at their best.
3. Make Dua for Them
Obviously, you will try to change their toxic understandings and concepts from ground reality, do not forget to make dua for them. Ask Allah SWT to open their hearts to accept the truth and allow them to act beyond their ego for a greater good.
4. Seek Professional Counselor
Sometimes we need professional help. A family counselor or a psychiatrist deals with such issues on a regular basis. They know what works under particular circumstances.
5. Talk to Your Local Imam to Deliver a Khutbah on the Rights of Children
It happens a lot that you tell your parents to do or maintain a certain thing, but they do not. And if the local Imam talks about it coincidently, they take it more seriously.
Abusive and toxic parent issues are pretty common in our community due to a huge generation and technological gap. If you talk to your local mosque Imam about this matter, he will be unlikely to not listen to you. He knows it is pretty common these days.
If the Imam delivers a khutbah on Friday regarding this matter, it will have a great impact on your parents. Even if you do not get the results instantly, the Imam’s speech would change their way of thinking at least. You can work on the rest following other suggestions of this section.
6. Do Not Get Angry Whatsoever and Try to Understand Their Psychology
It is pretty common to freak out when our parents do or say things that go against our views as well as religious points of view (due to their ignorance).
Let me make it very clear, our job is to do whatever fits the circumstance in the best way possible with wisdom.
Yeah, you might get angry but do not express your anger no matter what. When you do so, it violates two core things – from the Islamic point of view, you are not supposed to express anger, if you do so, it will make things worse.
Try to walk in their shoes, and judge the circumstance from their point of view. Yeah, they might be wrong, but it is due to their ignorance and arrogance. But as you are well aware of it and have Islamic knowledge of it, you should not do anything that will further fuel their toxic behavior.
7. Deal with Them with Patience
Your parents will not change all of a sudden, so do not expect it to be. This can take a few weeks, months, or even years to slowly remove the abusive and toxic mentality from them. Patience is the key if you are determined to work on them.
8. Have Someone Step in
More or less every parent has someone he/she trusts and has some acceptabilities. It can be any of your aunts or uncles. Talk to them about this matter, and let them talk to your parents.
But, be careful with whom you share your family problems. Like toxic parents, some of our relatives are toxic too. Make sure you choose someone who is really concerned about the goodness of your family and you.
7 Things Parents Should Do While Raising Children in Islam
1. Being ‘balanced’ toward children
Parents should always remain ‘fair’ towards all their children. It is vital that they provide equal attention towards them. If they remain balanced, then there won’t be any jealousy among the children.
Allah SWT mentions in the Holy Quran –
“O mankind, what has deceived you concerning your Lord, the Generous, who created you, proportioned you, and balanced you?”
Surah Al Infitar; Verse 82:6-7
2. Allah SWT instructs all believers to be good to them at all times
Allah SWT mentions in one verse in the holy Quran that as Muslims, parents should remain fair. By being fair means, they should all strive to do good. In fact, doing good is a responsibility that all Muslims must follow.
Allah SWT mentions in the Holy Quran –
إِنَّ اللَّهَ يَأْمُرُ بِالْعَدْلِ وَالْإِحْسَانِ وَإِيتَاءِ ذِي الْقُرْبَىٰ وَيَنْهَىٰ عَنِ الْفَحْشَاءِ وَالْمُنكَرِ وَالْبَغْيِ يَعِظُكُمْ لَعَلَّكُمْ تَذَكَّرُون
Indeed, Allah commands justice and the good, and giving (to) the relatives, and forbids [from] the immorality and the bad and the oppression. He admonishes you so that you may take heed.
Surah An Nahl; Verse 90
3. Allah SWT instructs all believers to be fair towards everyone
Allah SWT mentions in another verse within the Holy Quran, where he tells all Muslims to be fair towards their children or any other human being, to make sure that there isn’t any bitterness.
يَا أَيُّهَا الَّذِينَ آمَنُوا كُونُوا قَوَّامِينَ لِلَّهِ شُهَدَاءَ بِالْقِسْطِ ۖ وَلَا يَجْرِمَنَّكُمْ شَنَآنُ قَوْمٍ عَلَىٰ أَلَّا تَعْدِلُوا ۚ اعْدِلُوا هُوَ أَقْرَبُ لِلتَّقْوَىٰ ۖ وَاتَّقُوا اللَّهَ ۚ إِنَّ اللَّهَ خَبِيرٌ بِمَا تَعْمَلُونَ
O you who believe, stand up as witnesses for God in all fairness, and do not let the hatred of a people deviate you from justice. Be just: This is closest to piety; and beware of God. Surely God is aware of all you do.
Surah Al-Ma’idah; Verse 8
4. Allah SWT adores his believers who are unbiased towards their children
Allah SWT adores those parents who remain fair towards their children. This should give parents more reason to be unbiased towards your children. We urge you to also have a look at some of the Qur’anic verses about love.
“Indeed, Allah loves those who act fairly.”
Surah Al Mumtahinah; Verse 8
5. Do not be unfair towards your children as it can cause a fight
Islam has advised many times for parents to remain fair towards their children. If you being a parent is unjust towards your child, then this may cause dispute and hatred amongst your children.
Prophet Muhammad SAW (PBUH) has advised us 3 times for us to be fair towards our children, in the hadith below.
“Be just between your children. Be just between your children.”
Sunan Abī Dāwūd; Sahih (authentic) as per Al-Albani
6. Parents should be open to having a discussion with the children
Parents may not always be open to having a discussion with their children and they never enjoy being challenged. However, in order to make things clear, it is vital that you are open to having a respectful conversation with your children. This way, you can explain things to the kids from their point of view.
Children nowadays and parents have a significant generational gap, thus, this may influence the conversation. Parents’ stubbornness may cause their children to assume things are getting toxic. It is important that, as a parent; you think things through and possess the capacity to have a conversation with your children.
As your children come of age, you should also teach them the etiquette of Islamic marriage.
7. Be understanding and show kindness towards your children
Kindness and understanding is a two-way bridge. If parents are kind towards the children and understand them, then children would do the same as their parents grow old. Being kind and understanding are signs of a good parent.
It has been mentioned in the hadith below.
وَوَصَّيْنَا الْإِنسَانَ بِوَالِدَيْهِ حَمَلَتْهُ أُمُّهُ وَهْنًا عَلَىٰ وَهْنٍ وَفِصَالُهُ فِي عَامَيْنِ أَنِ اشْكُرْ لِي وَلِوَالِدَيْكَ إِلَيَّ الْمَصِير
And We have enjoined (upon) man for his parents – carried him his mother (in) weakness upon weakness, and his weaning (is) in two years that Be grateful to Me and to your parents; towards Me (is) the destination.
Surah Luqman; Verse 14
Conclusion
In a nutshell, as parents, they have to take on a lot of responsibilities. This may inevitably cause things to become quite complex. However; you should always keep in mind, being born as Muslims, you should always strive to fortify the ties of kinship. It is a test from Allah SWT for you to deal with unfair parents in Islam. This is a test for which you need to seek the almighty’s help to pass.
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Hello everyone
Im Jeba and I have step parents,they have two children one is a married and the other one is my step brother.Hes elder.Well he’s not really being a good son and it’s been 5 -6 years that he passed his 12th and all day stays on bed playes games ND my step mom dad doesn’t support him doing all of this,but two years ago when he said he wanna go to Japan to get into a gaming school he tried to Japanese language from and institution,he did not complete the course he said ridiculous thing to his mom that he’ll live their ten years etc etc.His mom supported him even after paying thousands of money which he (son) never cared Abt,he bought book to get in a uni in his country but he didn’t study neither does,after two years he says he wanna go to Greece and my step parents said no but still he has his backup just bc he’s their son ,his backup is his sister and his mom,his dad never wants to spend money on him or me but he does whenever his mom forces her husband to give him the money, everytime.
Now when it’s bout me,I do everything for them ,since I was a kid they never even buy me an ice cream or a chocolate,neither I could experience things what others kids does at that age,I’m 19 years old now,from age 6 to 19 I’ve been doing everything they told me to,I listened to them,got hit for no reason,my step dad told me to get outta the house,they never speak to me,one night he brought a knife to kill me,and I even slept hungry many other nights that I can’t be counted enoughhgg,they’ve hurt me in every ways,called me with bad names ND cursed me always,now I wanna go to study abroad but this guy is an obstacle,since he is their own son they’ll listen to them but not me, please tell me what should I do,I explained all of this in very short,I can’t explain wt things I’ve to go through everyday,I wanna go away from here please, please help me!!!???
Assalamu alaikum,
I’m a 22 year old girl that lives in the US with my mom and brother(16) We’ve been on our own since my father passed away (Allah yerhamo) when I was 12.
Honestly I noticed the toxic behavior show more in my mother after my father passed. I understand losing a husband is not easy, especially when you’re alone and have 2 kids. But at the same time I was only 12,I didn’t understand the severity of the situation we were in. During this time I think was when my mothers rage and abuse was at its worst. She would expect me to help around the house, and I’d do my best, or at least as good as a 12 year old could. I remember she slapped me hard across the face because I forgot to wipe off some water by the bathroom sink when I was cleaning it. Another time she smashed my phone hard on the floor because I didn’t have the dishes done before she got home. My mom has a sweet heart, but when things don’t go her way or she’s having a bad day she tends to take it out on me and my brother but mostly me because of course I’m the oldest and I’m the daughter.
I realized overtime as I got older and more able to comprehend the human mind, that my mother is a narcissist. She’s very wishy washy with her affection. I noticed whenever I do what she wants she will place her hand on my cheek (which I hate because I feel it’s fake) and tells me thank you or I love you… but when I don’t do what she wants or whenever she feels she doesn’t have control of the situation she blows up and uses the most unappealing insults.. called me things that have scarred me to this day. The problem is this has travelled into friendships/relationships, I tend to crave affection, just any form of validation from people to make me feel like im worthy. I’ve spent a huge chunk of my childhood trying to fight for love and affection from my mother. She makes me feel like I have to earn her love… . I’ve even noticed it’s taken a toll on my brother, he’s spent such a huge chunk of his life being the pacifist and defusing fights between me and my mother when he was only 13. He’s now become very cold and to himself. He seems to be very talkative and happy with his friends…which makes me happy that one person could make him smile and feel like himself. I feel the most bad for my brother, I wasn’t exactly the best sister myself due to the environment I was in, the toxicity seemed to transfer over to me.
I feel like the level of abuse and stress that we endured at such a young age def took a toll on our mental health. Waking up everyday not knowing what mood my mom would be in. Constantly sneaking stuff around, and hiding stuff from her because she’ll just make me feel bad for it or use it against me.
I’m honestly just tired, and feel like I just need to get closer to my deen and Allah, I feel I’ve strayed from him and if I can’t change my mother, then I’ll change myself for the best
Assalam o Alaikum,
I am being forced into a marriage I dont want. I have been protesting against it to my parents for 6 months now. They always say that engagement is done now so nothing can be done about it. I keep telling them that there is no such thing as engagement in Islam and engagements are supposed to be a time to think about it and make your decision.
No matter how much i tell them, they always say the same thing. And I constantly quarrel with my mother because she promised me something 6 months ago and now she is going back on her words. And she always tries to make me go quiet by quoting ahadith about rights of mothers and how respecting and obeying your parents must be done by all children. I totally agree with that.
But what about the rights of the children. Forcing a marriage onto your child is haram. Breaking your promises is not good either and is not allowed. I could go on but she is my mother and I dont want to badmouth her here. But are parents free of every responsibility? Do they not have similar obligations to listen to their children, especially when they are adults? Does being parents give them the right to play with the lives and futures of their children like that? just because they dont like my choice and think that their choice is better and will always be better just because they are parents?
what to do my mother always treat me unfair i am the middle child when ever my younger and elder sister do something she treat them camly but when ever i made a mistake she scold me and stop talking to me. she give respect to every child at home expect me just because of this my other siblings also have started dissrespecting me no one prioritize me at home and no one give value to my suggestion when ever something is going in our family. My every sibling easily blame me for every thing and my mother dont listen to me and start scolding me she dont give me respect valie and worth.
When ever i complain about this she says i gave you food clothes education what else do you want you are so ungreatfull when ever my sibling do something bad to me i tell her and she ignore soo in return i talk rudly to my siblings she start scilding me that you are rough to them thats why they dont respect you. When my father understand the situation and take my side beecause he know that bo one give me value at home my mother always try to make her against me hse will not tell him any bad thing about other sibling but when ever i do something wrong she starts telling him so that he will aslo start hating me.
My mother belive that she is not doing anytging wrong with me but i make false alligation on her i am the one who like to spend time alone. But the reality is just beacuse of her i fell you low among my siblings because she guver prefence to them thats why i stay alone in other room. She complain i talk to my friend nicely but not with family but the truth is i talk to everone nicely but my family dont give me respect i am 26 year old and Dr by profession.
I’m so sorry to read that amna , I hope Allah makes it easier for you n anyone who’s going through a similar situation,
It’s a test from almighty for sure, people who face unjust in any case on earth will be rewarded in after life be happy about that.
And this world honestly we are all here to suffer only
The greater the suffering the greater will be the reward InshaAllah
Same is the case with me. My mother values all my other siblings equally except me. I am also the middle child of my family. Getting accused of the things that i’ve not done and have no idea about. Feeling left out in family time. Even my mother is making my siblings to dislike my father too by backbiting him and going against all his decisions that are right always in my point of view, All of this behavior of hers made me an introvert and then she would complain about that too. But after all of this, I always try to remain calm as Islam says so.
I hope someone responds to this bc im in the same boat friend and I don’t know what to do.
Wow you just described my life. I wish I could tell you things get better but they won’t. Alhamdulilah you have a good profession. Please do your best to choose a good husband because if you build a good family, you can be away from your toxic mother without much fitnah. Allah sees what she is doing and sooner or later everyone will. Allah is very fair, my Allah improve your situation. I hope he gives you justice and a good future.
My questions are: Do parent have the right to do what so ever they like (no matter how unfair it is) to thier children? Also if a parent purposely maltreat his/her child, curse and frustrates the child, does he or she goes free with no wrong doing at all?
I have a friend going threw this. She works full time demanding job plus has young kids. She lives with her parents they are older in thier 80’s and they are hoarders. The expect her to work plus take care of their needs be a nurse/personal assistant/chef etc..she wants to get away from them so badly. But, don’t want to leave them in a hoarded situation but they refuse to let her get rid of anything even her old things. That have been stored for many years. Her mother refuses to give her key to storage unit. I feel like I have to find a way to help her. She is Muslim and I honestly don’t know a lot about that culture but I have been reading. But, I know no matter who you are no parents should use thier child to the point they are being abused. My heart is hurting is for her.
Assalamu alaikum
I’m going through a lot right now with my parents. I know issues that has to do with parents are usually sensitive. I grew up in a family of my dad being very strict, he doesn’t smile with us or anything like that and he doesn’t take no for an answer, if he says something that’s it you can’t give your opinion or anything.
Their relationship with my mum is also not good, he can insult her in front of us which lead to anytime there’s some between them she transferred it to us. Always harassing, cursing and making us feel worthless all the time. One if the main issues is nothing good comes from their mouth and that applies to all my siblings. Right now I’m 27yrs, whenever i try to make decisions for my life it becomes an issue, he brought more than 5 men saying they’re religious that i must marry them, I declined, he cares about his reputation outside because people see them as perfect.
They still keep sending random men giving them our numbers without our consent. It made me think that they don’t care about our happiness at all. Only their gain. I can attest that they don’t know who we are as a person. Have no idea about our likes and dislikes. That incidence led to both of them cursing and saying harsh words, always finding loop holes to belittle me and my siblings.
This very attitude towards us made my elder brother became so heartless and exhibited so many attitudes, my sister became an introvert and deep down she isn’t to avoid situations. Honestly i feel so depressed right now and I’ve been having thoughts of running away completely.
I’ve been praying and telling Allah my situation. If we try to talk them out of some situations they start saying we’re jahil towards the religion we must go back to Islamiyya. All my life i’ve been going to islamic school and Alhamdulillah i’m quite knowledgeable. But regardless they always quote ayah in the Quran and use to their advantage.
I developed an attitude of hiding my phone under my hijab to record the words they say all the time so that when I present the matter to other people they’ll be evidence and they’ll understand me.
When it comes to finances the only thing he cares about is to pay our school fees nothing other than that. We struggled, strived and survived through other means.Alhamdulillah
I’m in their house but Wallahi it’s been more that three years I received a kobo from them.
They don’t care how i transport myself to work, or how I manage to survive and if they happen to see us with new things they never ask were you got it from at all, they might not even know it’s new because they don’t care.
Another huge concern i have right now is regarding my mum. She has become super toxic more than my dad. My dad is always busy so he doesn’t really stay that much. Growing up i saw how my mum struggled with life so i do whatever i can to make it easier for her. But my mum never see that, not at all. Like i said earlier, i’m working Alhamdulillah but none of them give me anything and they want to take everything I have. I also need my hard earned money to survive. And it’s not like they’re broke or anything. Honestly, my dad is very rich and my mum is okay too.
People from the outside think’s we’re enjoying life, we have everything figured out, that’s why I don’t wish to have anybody’s life. You never know what they’re going through.
My mum doesn’t talk to me right now, but i do greet her even if she’s not going to answer. I just grew distance from her because nothing good comes out from her mouth. And she enjoys to see us fighting between our siblings. Before we didn’t realized but after we did we became closer. Each and everyday she tries to separate us but we refused, she’s not in harmony with almost all my siblings. A lot is going on, sometimes i get angry with the situation but what can i do. I grew closer to Allah, praying for the situation to get better. I know one of biggest test in Life is Parents but Alhamdulillah. Hopefully to be a better parent insha Allah
I don’t want to do anything that’ll affect my future or Allah hold it against me, I don’t know how to go about this because it’s a parent issue and few people will understand.
Also i need prayers to find a righteous spouse. Jazakallah khair
My mom won’t stop acusing me of doing bad things all the time.
When i younger i made alot of mistakes just like any child, and had a condition that would cause me to wet the bed. My mom would taunt me and get mad at me whenever i wet the bed, so i started hiding it from her, then she screamed at me when she found out etc. Growing up i started became very secretive, since she would just use anything against me. That led me to making dumb mistakes cuz i didn’t recieve guidance from any adult in making different choices. She would find out my mistake and then proceed to get mad. But then last year i finally made the first step to try and trust her and told her about someone i had a crush on and was interested in potentially getting married to (I’m 17 btw). She took it good and wasnt mad for the first time, which made me really happy and comfortable, so i opened upp more about many different stuff.
BUT just when i thought everything was good, she acused me of stealing her cream, and was screaming incredibly offensive stuff, such as wishing for my death and that the boy i like will never like me back. That made my trust hit rock bottom, she just went on used anything to try hurt me. AND BTW the cream was in her room, she found it later on. Fast forward a while, she started acusing me of something else and told me to get out of the house or else she would call the boy i likes mother and tell her how ugly and bad i am of a person. I will admit it i didnt exactly stay silent, id talk back and get mad, but that was always after she said the bad things.
Fast forward to today. I wore the hijab for the first time and was very happy about it, it was a choice that my mom wanted to delay but i proceeded with it. Hijab was best thing and most hard thing to wear, bcoz i lost half of my hair from the undercap. That made me very sad about it, my mother tho found it as a new way to torment me. She started saying how i probably wore the hijab because my hair is so ugly and that it will never become thick again.
These are just small peas of the different horrible things she has said, I dont anymore what to do with her. I have no hard feelings, i just want her to stop obsessing over fighting with me and finding mistakes.
I have a toxic family, both my parents. I just got married and had the blessings from both our parents which i am grateful for. Ramadhan just started in my country and i wished it had been better for me.
One day my mom actually texted me after iftar asking what i wanted to eat for iftar the next day and i replied i am not sure. She asked me to buy iftar but i mentioned that i won’t have enough time as both me and my husband are going to be rushing home from work. She then proceeds to ask what do i want her to cook and i responded “its ok, me and my husband will eat outside today” she then replied “what about me?” and i said “u can cook at home for urself, its ok u don’t have to worry about us (me and my husband)”.
I guess from the way i replied her she was upset and proceeds to tell my dad who is passive aggressive and scolded me just because I did not agree to having iftar together with my mother.
I felt betrayed as a daughter as I trusted my mother and i always kept things within myself about what she told me not to tell off to my dad.
It felt like as though i am an useless daughter towards my family and did not thought of my parents. It hurts being in my position as I have always willing to share and listen to their advices.
I want to ask that how should I treat with my mother. I am the elder ones in my siblings Ihave been doing my job and giving my whole salary to my mother. But on the time of my marriage she didn’t perform any kind of rasam but all the rasams were performed on my brother’s marriage. I feel very upset and hurt most of the time. What I have to do ??? Please please guide me.
Dear Sister,
Assalamu alaykum, for your answer.
In this World, parents (especially our mothers) deserve the highest form of .obedience and kindness. We are asked to not even utter “Uff” to them, as Allah said:
{ ۞وَقَضَىٰ رَبُّكَ أَلَّا تَعۡبُدُوٓاْ إِلَّآ إِيَّاهُ وَبِٱلۡوَٰلِدَيۡنِ إِحۡسَٰنًاۚ إِمَّا يَبۡلُغَنَّ عِندَكَ ٱلۡكِبَرَ أَحَدُهُمَآ أَوۡ كِلَاهُمَا فَلَا تَقُل لَّهُمَآ أُفّٖ وَلَا تَنۡهَرۡهُمَا وَقُل لَّهُمَا قَوۡلٗا كَرِيمٗا }
[Surah Al-Isrâ’: 23]
“And your Lord has decreed that you not worship except Him, and to parents, good treatment. Whether one or both of them reach old age [while] with you, say not to them [so much as], “uff,” and do not repel them but speak to them a noble word.”
The greatest of transgression anyone can do against someone else is forcing him / her to commit shirk. Even if your mother were to do this, Allah asked you to not listen to her but still live with her in this world with kindness [Surah Luqman: 14-15].
In your situation, Islam demands the groom to spend on the ceremony of wedding and asks groom to pay dowry (Mahr) to the bride. Unfortunately, our society has tainted the Islamic tradition and made it mandatory for women to also throw party and ceremony during wedding which was Islamic responsibility of the groom only. Besides, some culture even demands the bride to pay dowry to the groom, which is haram by all definition and guidelines of Shari’ah.
We advise you to not hold any hard feelings or resentment on your mother. If she did not do much formalities during your wedding and it caused you social inconvenience, then for your patience with your mother, Allah will replace this inconvenience with much ease in this life and in sha Allah in the hereafter as well.
I am a Muslim and I have to say that the substandard teachings of Islam, developed and understood by culturally regressive and backward Imaans of the past and present are condemnable.
You guys allow a parent to do whatever and expect from a child way younger than the parent to “understand” and “be kind” to the oppressor parent.
You molvi and mullahs should correct the so called “Islamic” teachings to create a balance in this regard.
I think strict punishable laws are to be enacted for parents. These man made “Islamic” laws are not worth through ng in garbage but directly into the sewer drain, the gutter so to say.
Hi Maria,
Don’t dwell on the past, your mother may have favoured your brother or performed extra for his wedding but at the end of the day the only thing that matters is her dua. A sincere dua from a parent will go much further inshallah then wedding rasams.
In terms or Islam a simple wedding is much better, more Barakah. It’s a beautiful start for your marriage.
Tas x
Hopefully someone see this and help me out because like this is issue has been so detrimental to me in so many ways, I was born Muslim alhamdullh, but I havnt always been the best Muslim, im a 21 year old femal and I’ve always had problems with my mother. She has always been so aggressive and toxic with me for as long as I can remember, I’ve always been called the most horrific things, she always brings me down and tells me how much of a shame I am to her because of my past and the things i did growing up, I’m not going to ever deny it but I wasn’t a very good daughter, I wasn’t a good Muslim nor even a good person.
I get cussed out everyday, she tells me she wish I was never born and nothing good ever came from me and that I brought shame on her and the whole family, she always wanna tell me how much of a bad mother I am and that my daughter deserves better. She also tells me that she hates me and she gets on every single thing I do weather it’s good a bad, even the smallest things and she also do that infront of everyone and her husband which really embarrasses me. This caused me to be very depressed, i feel nothing but guilt and regret and disgust of myself. I cry everyday, I never really knew my worth and still don’t I truly hate myself.
Sometimes I talk back to her but it’s only when Im literally having a mental break down, I’ve lost 100 ponds and Im filled with hate, I have no self control anymore, I feel like nothing matters anymore. I will never be nothing, most of the things she say is right but she always seem to wanna bring me down and never built me up, I know she hates me I can feel it, the way she look at me makes me wanna kill myself because I know I will never make her pround of me, I havnt heard her say I love you to me for as long as I can Remember. What should I do
I TOTALLY UNDERSTAND my sister, I TOO HAVE A TOXIC MOTHER, I CAN FROM A DYSFUNCTIONAL TOXIC FAMILY AND EVERYDAY THERE IS SOMEOME ARGUING AND CRYING. My mom hates me so much, she doesn’t know what right for her, she has no destination goals. She is black and white. She is very aggressive and sensitive. She can get angry and call me call me names in front of my young sister. She care only about herself, she thinks only about negativity and tahy everything around her is bad. This is lacking empathy and she is self centred. If something bad happens according to her she starts saying things about my dad that left her cuz of her personality. I love her but unfortunately I don’t get emotional and psychological support from her. She is manipulative.
She uses guilt and humiliation to get what she wants. She is not understanding and she never take responsibility or criticism. She is always in complete denial. She ask me for help for her studies but tells she doesn’t want help. She always wanna know where I go even tho I’m 20. I have depression. I am overweight and my hair is falling. I am always in my room when I come from school. I stopped meeting my friends and stopped playing sport that I love. I lack emotional support. I have anxiety, fear everytime.
I seek love from strangers. I live with my mom and sister. For the past 5 years we had financial difficulties and instability in our home. And that psychologically affected my mental health cuz mom always sees me as partner instead of her son. She always blame for what my father did. She is always overthinking things that don’t matter. I am sick and tired of this. It’s only me even my young sister is affected by this. I always help even though it’s hard for me cuz if I say no she will automatically make me feel bad. She will say: you never ever helped me even ones, and Allah is always the best in help. Always using the religion as a scapegoat. She threatens me with the religion. It’s honestly so bad.
I don’t have any body to talk to. If I go to the psychologist am scared the child services would harm her and my sister. I don’t have I trust. I can’t talk to anyone. And everytime I talk to a religious person they say be: the quran be respectful and kind to your parents. And I know that. But my mental health is melting like ice cube. Parents should be fair with children. My Allah (swt) make it easy for us and other Muslims who are suffering from. I’m sure this is a rest from Allah (swt). I hope you are well. Try your best to have boundaries and stick to that. Love yourself. Care for yourself first. I would recommend you to live with yourself for year or half a year at least.
Sister,pull yourself together.NO ONE HAS A RIGHT TO MAKE YOU FEEL THIS WAY.Remove yourself from toxic people.Keep at a healthy distance.Do not cut ties but interact very little with them to avoid sins brought upon you.Ibn Qayyim ra said that Allah will first question the child about the effectiveness of his/ her parents before asking the parent about the obedience of the child.See the wisdom of Allah.Allah is Al Adl.He is just.Do not live to please someone that doesn’t even acknowledge your existence.Youll get hurt everytime you try.These wounds can run very deep.Live to please Allah ..ask yourself before acting out on anything or doing anything first..will Allah be happy with me? We are created to worship Allah not his creation.We all will stand alone.no mother ,no father,no brother,no sister.Have faith in Allah .He loves you 70 +times more than your mother ever could.Its very very painful and unbelievable at times,and you keep seeking her approval and you never get it cause she herself is broken in a thousand pieces inside.Do not become a victim…rise above
Every parent must face Allah for his child’s activities. If the child is good, the parents will be respected by Allah SWT; if the child is bad, the responsibility will be on them. So it is natural for them to be angry with you because they can’t trust you. But you have no chance to denye them and the reason Islam has not allowed it.
In point of your view, your parents may be practicing Muslims. So do the things which they like, do it regularly. Praying five times a day, studying the Qur’an regularly, obeying Halal and Haram, not telling lies, following Allah and the Messenger of Allah, etc., are qualities we consider good Muslims.
Please maintain at least five times prayers regularly. And you will feel well, and your parents will receive you as a good child.
May Allah accept you as a good child to your parents.
Salaam Isha,
I pray that Allah guides through this heartbreak and all those going through similar. It is truly heart breaking to not have a mothers love in the way you expect it or see others receive it. Your mother does love you but doesn’t have any way of you showing you.
Please don’t see her actions as a reflection on you, but instead a reflection of herself. She may be struggling with self esteem, depression or other mental health problems, may Allah guide her.
I have also had a very toxic relationship with my mother, I am 28 years old now and live with my husband and the toxic behaviour hasn’t changed. It’s just directed in a different way now. I am the eldest and many responsibilities and expectations have been put on me. My siblings have had it pretty easy. I’ve always been the disappointment and also haven’t always been the best daughter or Muslim. But alhumdullilah this is my path that Allah has put me on. And you have your own. We are tested in many ways, and our test is our mothers. It’s hard because we alway want our mothers love, it’s a natural instinct.
You are a mother now and I am sure you are an amazing mother given your experience with your own mother. I know my experience with my mother will most definitely not be repeated with my child in future inshallah. The cruel words and slanders will get boring and you will learn to get on with your life and do what’s best for yourself and child. I have been called many things and shunned in many ways by my mother. But today I look at myself and look at my mother and I can see clear as day why her behaviour has been so negative towards me.
I don’t want to go on for too much longer but I totally understand the pain you’re going. I pray Allah guides you and your mother.
Tas x
I can totally understand and relate to your situation. The problem is that in our society, it is easy to label child as rebel or disobedient..rather than admitting your own mistakes. No matter what you do or say, the parents have their own opinion regarding each and every child of theirs and that opinion can’t be changed by our mere efforts..so pray and pray for yourself n for them too. and try to avoid arguments or any extra conversation. There is nothing else you can do…like me:(
thanks to my parents, I tend to cry everyday. they made me feel different than my sibling especially my sisters, I can write a book of how many times i’ve felt unloved by them to even simply not being called to the dinner/lunch table when they all together. these type of action grew hatred in my heart towards my sisters. I believe Allah is the fairest and I treat my parents good despite how am I treated by them, I ask Allah everyday to leave my family and grant me better family in the future.
Same story sister here ,my sister so much cruel she taunt all time even she is younger this because since childhood she knows she can do anything in this house , spend as money as she wants she knows everything is her here .and since childhood my mother always ignores me always taunt me and make my father to beat me m recent 25 and she made my father to beat me still for no reason ..mi don’t like shout m feel so unsafe here like anyone can do anything ..I always thought to attempt suicide because of my mom .they r worst parents I can bet this really.my mother’s parents don’t like my mother ,no one actually cll her to talk ,no one actually like her .she feel so Powerful .she use to live in so pride and always treat me as m her compititor .she tries always to destroy my life now by last 2 year I started standing for self right ..still they just pass infront of me by taunting all time ..
I feel the best solution is just work hard and get financial independent and get out of here .and pray and have peace in heart .and also I really don’t trust her tht if she ever do anything good for me so I even not trust her for anything .
May Allah make you independent so that you may be free from this toxic environment.Yes you do get spoilt brat younger siblings.But stand your ground.You are elder than her..she needs to respect you.Teach her to size up to her boot size.Tell her to act her age and to go clean her room( if you know what I mean).As for your mom..may Allah guide her and us.This sort of behaviour makes one loose respect for them.
May Allah make things easy for you sister.Remember when your mother is doing that to you,she is reflecting her own insecurities and projecting it on you.Try to remove yourself from the toxic environment by interacting less with them.Just when it’s necessary.Busy yourself with what is beneficial to you for the Aakhira and the dunya too that will help you be an achiever Don’t let anyone mess with your confidence
thanks to my parents, I tend to cry everyday. they made me feel different than my sibling especially my sisters, I can write a book of how many times i’ve felt unloved by them to even simply not being called to the dinner/lunch table when they all together. these type of action grew hatred in my heart towards my sisters. I believe Allah is the fairest and I treat my parents good despite how am I treated by them, I ask Allah everyday to leave my family and grant me better family in the future.
My mother is not meticulously toxic….but she always ridicules me for the way i look…like…my features and my body are made by allah.. then idk y she makes me feel ugly by saying that i don’t have good features to look like a girl…look at me at ur age…how pretty i was….being ugly is not my mistake right..i dont know y she doesn’t understand that….im 21 now and i have 5 more years to complete my education… she is always ridiculing my getting married late ….she even says that i won’t get a nice groom bcoz i will b old and my skin will have wrinkles by the time i will get married…..so i will get married only to an old man who is 40+ ….she highly doesn’t have the belief that everything is planned my allah…im tired of hearing all these…and its affecting my mental health as well? pls make dua for me
This is the problem with life right now.
Parents aren’t even grateful to own children, yet abuse their child of their average appearances. What if Allah is shown to look ugly? What will Muslims do then? There’ll be more excuses. Faisa, no support will come to you, I highly suggest to adapt self-love and give in confidence. I know you have the ability to fight this through.
If you can survive without marriage you will have a lot more freedom and space, hang in there.
Don’t compare yourself to others, your knowledge and health is more better then having to be something you’re not. Good luck in your future.
my mother has always been dearest to me but after many setbacks in life i came to realize, she badmouthed me behind my back to relatives etc destroying my image, she caused my 2 marraiges to fail by using fowl language with my in laws and they in return didnt believe me and took hatred for my mother out on me, servants lied to her about some mistakes they did and falsely blamed me to escape and she still believes those accusations, she says i should be thankful she is my mom , a maid tore her dress and put blame on me she believes it, she always taunts me about my 2 marraiges…im middleaged now, my father died, marraiges failed, now she lives with me…i do my best to be kind but all the setbacks and pressure of kids and single mother makes me burst out verbally sometimes and her replies are so hurtful and full of lies…this is the only mother i have…and allah says his love is of 70000 mothers…today i cried and seriously asked allah which kind of mother’s love do you have for us? this is the only mother i have seen all my life and she did nothing but use me and hurt me…
Assalamualaikum sister..this is one of the most painful comments I’ve heard.This is reality,where mother daughter relations can be so so toxic.Its hurtful and causes deep wounds,sometimes lifetime damage.Do not abandon your Salah,do not abandon your dua.May Allah ease things for you..I read a hadith by Ibn Al Qayyim rahimulla that said that Allah will question the child first regarding the effectiveness of the parents before asking parents about the obedience of the child toward them.Parents bad and sometimes haraam behaviour are punishable in this dunya by Allah the almighty.I hope that this helps.
I am really sorry u have to go Tru all this I know it’s hard and frustrating being destroyed my ur own mother gather courage dear have sabar remember Allah.
indeed he text us.
I’m so so sorry for what you’re going through insh Allah you will find peace and justice in your life I’m gonna pray for you
I am the eldest and was always the breadwinner and even gave my life up for my sister who was born 20years later than my younger brother today i lost my job as i resigned before Covid to take a position as a facilitator but then they made the job redundant due to the impact it had on them due to Covid now my parents are 74 and 79 I still try to bring in an income but no one wants to employ me at the age of 57 due to my high standard of qualifications now the wheel is turned my other siblings just speak to me the way they want and have now learnt that my parents went to offer the house to my sister and i just get treated unjustly and my parents are even rude towards me they so toxic my father will speak to his son in law as if thats is his son and i am just an outcast and i hear him speaking bad about me but I just pray for them as they my parents I am taking punches left right and centre and i dont want anything I will rather live on the streets after my parents close their eyes but i dont have the heart to leave them despite the situation being so toxic at home t
That does not seem healthy at all. This reminds me of this literature called “Metamorphis” actually. I suggest that if your parents have no respect for you at all you should stop providing, they seem ungrateful for your hard work and service and you do not deserve that since you worked hard for them. Of course respect them and treat them with kindness but slowly distance your self so they can realize that you are not to be taken granted for.
Thank you for writing this article. Recently, my mother and sister fought with me and tried to make false allegations of abuse in regards to me as a mother to my son. They wrote false testimonies and grouped with my ex-husband all to try and take my son away from me out of vengeance for divorcing and trying to become more independent. When the case was dismissed in court, my ex-husband apologized to me; however, my mother and sister are still scheming where they are trying to find ways to separate me from my son. Is it acceptable that I distance myself from my mother since she is trying to harm me and my son?
Afcourse you keep your distance and have a peaceful life.
Your mental health is far more important then being confronted by your family.
Your son is in the middle of this unbearable situation.
You should protect him mentally too.
Don’t think about people it could form you as a person to do evil things back to them.
You will find peace by staying far away from them.
Im so sorry this happened to you. If you take care of your child well and is concerned about his wellbeing, than others cant take him away from you. Yes you are right to distance from anyone who try to harm the both of you.
How is it not? They want to snitch away your son from you. You should run far far away! That sounds so dangerous.
It’s healing my heart! Islam can not be unfair to anyone! Hope muslim parents understand their responsibilities! May Allah paak gives hedayaat to all parents.
Nice article.thanks