Married life is sweet and cheerful. But if you end up with a toxic spouse, it could make you feel like you’re living in hell. Therefore, you have to take it seriously before marriage. Whether you know the person you’re going to marry or don’t know at all, there’re some indicators for you to understand if he/she would be the right person for you or not.
In this article, I’m going to emphasize on signs you should stay away from someone. It’s normal to see one or a couple of signs in that person, but if the warning signs are too many in that person, save yourself, and look for someone worthy of you.
Signs that the Person is Too Toxic for You
Whether it’s a man or woman, more or less the toxic signs will be pretty much the same. If you’re wondering how to know if you should stay with someone, the following factors will help you clear out the toxic people easily.
1. Doesn’t Show Any Respect for Religion or Stay Headless
Marrying a non-religious person could be a nightmare. He/she might tell you doing haram stuff, and not being supportive to your religious obligations. This will ruin practice, faith, and mental peace. Therefore, before filtering someone following the other tips, make sure the person is religious and willing to help you with the religion or not.
2. Talks Bad Behind Your Back
When you’re meeting someone, notice if the person talks too bad about other people or not. If he/she does it, that’s a warning sign that behind your back, the person will do the same about you. These people are toxic, always highlighting bad things of other people while ignoring the good stuff.
Obviously, that person won’t talk bad about you in front of you, and won’t behave like a toxic person interacting with you. But don’t take it seriously. Give especially attention to how he/she portrays other people.
3. Asks for Special Treatment
So, you’ve just met the person before marriage, to get to know each other. But you’ve noticed that he/she is seeking special attention or treatment. It can be an unusual favor. In return, if you ask the person for the same thing, he/she doesn’t seem to take it seriously.
These are the signs that the person is toxic, and will always be seeking such a thing once you know him/her better. One-sided things won’t be good for your marriage. After marriage, this toxic personality can create family issues with your parents as well.
4. Always Complaining
If you find the person always complaining and seeing negativity in every situation, it’s a bold sign that you should stay away from the person. If you end up marrying someone who always complains, it will highly affect your mood, productivity, and most importantly your health.
Dealing with such a person would be a real pain for you. Better say no than sorry.
People who are extremely proud of themselves, also have toxic personalities. If you find that the wanna be husband or wife is always talking about his achievements, traits, possessions, and abilities, chances are high that the person would always insult you whenever you won’t be able to do anything according to his/her level of ability or understanding.
If the person isn’t compassionate and doesn’t accept your limitations, what good will you get from him/her?
6. Always Puts You on the Defensive
Questioning and charging about others’ life decisions and choices is a big sign of someone with a toxic personality. If you meet such a person, he/she will always put you on the defensive, asking you for explanations, pointing out your mistakes, and more. This easily makes the opposite party exhausted and depressed.
If you have to constantly defend yourself, your family, friends, and your beliefs, it’s a major red flag that you should say NO to this marriage proposal.
7. Has Zero Concerns for You
Whenever that person feels upset and things don’t go right with him/her, he/she might ask you for your console. But, when it’s about you, they treat you like you don’t even exist. This can also happen that you’re the person who is constantly sorry for misbehavior, but when it’s his/her turn after behaving rude, the person shows zero empathy.
Another scenario can be, let’s say you’re having a conversation for 10-20 minutes. And he/she gives you zero chance to tell something about yourself, and he/she continuously tells you about his/her story. Sometimes, they don’t even care about what you do for a living and where you work.
8. You Didn’t Enjoy the Conversation at all
For getting to know each other, the conversation or first meeting was held for 30-60 minutes, and you didn’t enjoy the time at all. This can be due to many reasons. But if the reason is something very fundamental, chances are that after getting married, you will feel the same.
However, if you didn’t participate even after he/she did give you the chance, then this might be your fault. Don’t make decisions based on it, if you’re the one who ruined the conversation.
9. Questionable Behavior
Although average people don’t show any kind of serious behavior issue like anger while having the first conversation or meeting, if you find him/her doing so, this is a huge warning that the person might have an anger issue, and he/she will continue doing the same even for small matters.
If you dislike certain behavior, make a list of those, and see if the person is showing such behaviors while meeting. This would be a very effective filtration to get to the right person.
10. You Feel Bad When You’re Together
Before marriage, it can happen that you guys have to meet twice or more than that for legit reasons. If every time you feel useless or bad, or it’s him/her that makes you feel so, make the courage to say NO to that proposal before proceeding further. Otherwise, you’ll feel the same for the rest of your married life with this person.
11. Tries to Control You
Before marriage, if the person puts certain restrictions or shows interest in putting those restrictions after marriage, and those are the things that matter to you, better not proceed any further.
However, if those restrictions are on things that improve married life in a positive sense, that’d be fine. For example, you have a social media addiction, and someone he/she knows it. If the person tells you to avoid it after marriage, that’d be a legit thing.
Some spouses put restrictions related to things connected to the parents. Such a situation deserves wise attention. You should consult someone wise regarding it before making the decision.
12. Doesn’t Respect Boundaries
Even though the relation of a husband and wife is the most open relation, still there should be boundaries. If you find the person already being disrespectful about your emotional, physical, other core boundaries, better not go with that person.
13. Always Changes His Group of Friends
This might not be easy for you to understand in the first place. But if you ask the person about the friends, he/she mostly hangs out with, if he/she is constantly changing the friend circle or not. People that value their old friends, mostly school, college friends, are mostly stable with people he/she deals with.
The thing is to figure out if he is consistent or not. Instability can make married life painful. Also, changing the circle frequently also indicates that the person is selfish who keeps his/her company for benefits.
14. Decision Making Issue
If you find the person constantly changing his/her decisions, this shows that the person isn’t stable, can be influenced by the surroundings, and thinks too little before making a decision. If you’re looking for a husband, this is a serious concern. The head of the house should have the ability to make clear and firm decisions.
15. The Person is Flaky and Inconsistent
If the person is always ditching the commitments, it’s a sign that you shouldn’t be with that person. These people will make you feel like they are always with you whenever you need them. But when that time comes, they simply disappear or always have a reason or excuse to ditch you.
16. Your Family and Friends Warn About the Person
As you’re getting married, your closest ones especially your family and friends would want you to be with someone who is perfect for you, would take care of you no matter what. People that are older than you, and are married, have more ability to read a person.
If someone close to you, knows the person who sent you the proposal, warns you about that person, you better take it seriously. I’m not saying to take their words blindly. But make sure you verify what they’re claiming.
How to Get Away from Someone
Now that you know whether you should proceed further to stay with a person by getting married or not, if the person is toxic, the following ways will help you to get rid of him/her –
1. Disagree Respectfully
If you find anything wrong based on the above-mentioned factors that identify toxic people, respectfully disagree with them on any specific matter. The person can get angry or excited. But, don’t make him/her act the same way. Be assertive, but don’t be aggressive.
2. Learn to Say No
Toxic people are manipulative. They can make it difficult to refuse their proposals. But saying a Direct NO won’t bring a good result either. The person can become more aggressive, and try to manipulate you more.
Politely tell the person with matters where you disagree that you don’t feel comfortable discussing those matters, and excuse you.
You can leave the place and put a good end to the meeting.
3. Don’t Make Yourself Available
If you can’t directly say NO, there’s a more polite way to reject someone’s proposal. Every time he/she asks you for something, tell the person that you’re busy, have to work, etc. stuff related to your busy work life. When the person will feel that he/she is being constantly ignored, the person will stop engaging.
4. Confront Them
Things that bother you about the person, you can directly talk about those stuff. If you notice the person is changing, this might be a sign that the person values you, and what you’re thinking.
What If You’re Already in a Relationship
Typical relationships of boyfriends and girlfriends are considered haram in Islam because these relationships lead to the disobedience of Allah and his Prophet Muhammad ﷺ.
However, if you have been in a relationship for years, and then blessed with guidance, and want to get married to that person, you gotta be careful about some issues.
The person you want to marry, should also be supportive to your religious values even if he/she isn’t as practicing as you. If you loved person is from other religion, don’t fall for the inter-faith. But if he/she is willing to come to Islam with a good intention, make things easier for the person and be supportive.
He/she shouldn’t make you do anything haram even if it’s for the so-called love expression.
If that person doesn’t agree with the fact that she has to cover her beauty or he has to lower his gaze, leave haram stuff like music and movies, refuses to pray voluntary prayers and other obligations, these are the signs the relationship is over for him or her.
Don’t risk your akhirah for the sake of someone who helps you disobey your Lord, the most high. Blessings are in the hand of Allah SWT, and He won’t give it to someone who disobeys His commands.
Rather ending a relationship with someone you love for the sake of Allah, can provide you with a much better spouse for the sacrifice you make.
When you will move on to find a spouse to get married, be sure to make Isikhara to make the right decision.
Frequently Asked Questions
How do you tell if you should stay away from someone?
You can make yourself unavailable, disagree with him regarding any specific matter saying that you don’t feel comfortable with this, etc. Or, you can talk to him directly why you aren’t interested in proceeding further by showing your reasons. Make sure you don’t get manipulated by the person.
How do you know if someone is bad for you?
Having too many toxic behavioral characteristics in a person tells you that the person will surely be bad for you.
What are toxic relationship signs?
Always complaining, talking bad about others, having no concern for you, overwhelmed by his/her achievements, doesn’t respect your boundaries, doesn’t give you space, etc.
How do you let go of someone you love?
Letting go of someone is quite hard. After you’ve made up your mind, and cleared everything to the person why you’re no longer interested, keep yourself busy in work or other activities.
Try not to remember the person, his/her memories. If you have any gifts from the person, return if possible. Otherwise, give them away to needy people. Devote yourself in Quran and prayer, and ask Allah SWT to help you with this, and replace him/her with someone better, and make it easier for you to select a life partner.
It’s always better to leave or end-up with someone who doesn’t fit you, and embrace the short-term pain, rather than accepting the person, and be in long-term pain after getting married. Things will get more complicated.
Now that you know the signs you should stay away from someone, based on those factors, you can decide whether to agree with a marriage proposal or not. Don’t hesitate to say NO if you find strong and bold toxic personalities.